sex in two cities

not ‘sex in the city’

sex in two cities

it sounds like a Netflix series but, this is my life

detriot sex is with the actual love of my life

columbus sex is with myself, for myself & by myself

(well and sometimes my pillow😬)

detriot sex is limited but soul snatching

columbus sex is empowering and meditative

detriot sex is always more than just sex for me

its about reconnecting, recommitting, and reaffirming what we have, can last

columbus sex is always more than just sex for me

its about reclaiming my power, calling back my own energy,

and using my personal vibration to manifest things

its the balance for me

its the healthy relationship for me

with detriot (bae) + with Columbus (me)

I spend some weeks in Ohio, alone raising my daughter as a single mother while running multiple businesses

I spend others, driving to Michigan, being a girlfriend and maintaining the behind the scenes of said businesses. My goal when I'm there is to help bae ease into his new position any way I can as this summers been such an adjustment for our lives

because, have you ever had your fate decided within seconds of opening an email?

my boyfriend has

which indirectly means, I have

he matched into residency this past spring at a hospital outside of detriot and we have committed to making the distance work the next 5 years (yup I said 5 years) while I remain in Ohio and split my time between our apartments as often as I can

3.5 hours

220 miles

two different cities

in two different states

no matter the distance I would have still committed, I choose him, I’m all in

because he allows me to be me, a fully expressive version of myself

a version of myself i’ve been waiting 32 years to be

but sex in two cities is new for me

long distance, I mean

it’s never something I’ve seen for myself

i always thought I needed a partner who was present in my life everyday,

whom I fell asleep next to every night + wake up next to every morning

and while that’s our end goal

we are still emotionally and energetically present for one another daily

our good mornings and goodnights just often take place via text

however this time, living in the now, living in two cities, is really making me see life in such different perspectives

showing me all I need is ME & everything else life blesses me with is just a bonus

its forcing me to go within, to do some shadow work on all my fears of being alone, needing outside validation and fear of losing someone I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone- but mostly fear of abandonment

all trauma, stemming from my biological father abandoning me any chance he got in life

(that's another blog for a another time- or just scroll back a couple pages I'm sure you'll run into daddy issues)

its about reprogramming & re regulating my own nervous system one goodbye,

see you soon, or I miss you text at a time

it’s hard af

i cry myself to sleep most nights

but progress is being made as those nights allow me time to feel

what feelings are coming up & to fully express and recognize them

recognize them as my own, and remind myself that feelings aren't facts

its not always about running to your partner when you’re sad, expecting them to fix it

it’s about sitting with yourself, sitting with those emotions and figuring out the true root of why you are sad

for me, like I said its usually

the fear of abandonment

the story I used to tell myself is that every man in my life (mostly my father)

would always abandoned me when I let my guard down

so that was always the outcome & that narrative no longer serves me

as I’m no longer operating with a victim mentality

so I’ve been telling myself a new story the past couple years now

one where the men in my life support me,

(no matter the distance between us)

and one where I support me, fully

today it’s going well, some days it doesn’t

some days I am 50 shades of fucked up, mentally

as lots of triggers from my past come seeping through

or I get in my head with self sabotaging thoughts

so I’m just taking life one day + orgasm at a time

just because we leave the toxic relationships behind doesn’t mean the toxic leaves us

we have to personally clear that shit & reprogram old patterns

by doing new things, different things whenever want new and different outcomes

it takes time, it takes practice, it takes massive patience

and for me it takes a loving, long distance partner

to make me realize i did all the healing I could possibly do on my own

and now i need him and our experiences together to trigger me,

so that we can heal and rise in love together

because it’s 2021 sis

we’re no longer falling in love

we're rising in love