sex in two cities
not ‘sex in the city’
sex in two cities
it sounds like a Netflix series but, this is my life
detriot sex is with the actual love of my life
columbus sex is with myself, for myself & by myself
(well and sometimes my pillow😬)
detriot sex is limited but soul snatching
columbus sex is empowering and meditative
detriot sex is always more than just sex for me
its about reconnecting, recommitting, and reaffirming what we have, can last
columbus sex is always more than just sex for me
its about reclaiming my power, calling back my own energy,
and using my personal vibration to manifest things
its the balance for me
its the healthy relationship for me
with detriot (bae) + with Columbus (me)
I spend some weeks in Ohio, alone raising my daughter as a single mother while running multiple businesses
I spend others, driving to Michigan, being a girlfriend and maintaining the behind the scenes of said businesses. My goal when I'm there is to help bae ease into his new position any way I can as this summers been such an adjustment for our lives
because, have you ever had your fate decided within seconds of opening an email?
my boyfriend has
which indirectly means, I have
he matched into residency this past spring at a hospital outside of detriot and we have committed to making the distance work the next 5 years (yup I said 5 years) while I remain in Ohio and split my time between our apartments as often as I can
3.5 hours
220 miles
two different cities
in two different states
no matter the distance I would have still committed, I choose him, I’m all in
because he allows me to be me, a fully expressive version of myself
a version of myself i’ve been waiting 32 years to be
but sex in two cities is new for me
long distance, I mean
it’s never something I’ve seen for myself
i always thought I needed a partner who was present in my life everyday,
whom I fell asleep next to every night + wake up next to every morning
and while that’s our end goal
we are still emotionally and energetically present for one another daily
our good mornings and goodnights just often take place via text
however this time, living in the now, living in two cities, is really making me see life in such different perspectives
showing me all I need is ME & everything else life blesses me with is just a bonus
its forcing me to go within, to do some shadow work on all my fears of being alone, needing outside validation and fear of losing someone I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone- but mostly fear of abandonment
all trauma, stemming from my biological father abandoning me any chance he got in life
(that's another blog for a another time- or just scroll back a couple pages I'm sure you'll run into daddy issues)
its about reprogramming & re regulating my own nervous system one goodbye,
see you soon, or I miss you text at a time
it’s hard af
i cry myself to sleep most nights
but progress is being made as those nights allow me time to feel
what feelings are coming up & to fully express and recognize them
recognize them as my own, and remind myself that feelings aren't facts
its not always about running to your partner when you’re sad, expecting them to fix it
it’s about sitting with yourself, sitting with those emotions and figuring out the true root of why you are sad
for me, like I said its usually
the fear of abandonment
the story I used to tell myself is that every man in my life (mostly my father)
would always abandoned me when I let my guard down
so that was always the outcome & that narrative no longer serves me
as I’m no longer operating with a victim mentality
so I’ve been telling myself a new story the past couple years now
one where the men in my life support me,
(no matter the distance between us)
and one where I support me, fully
today it’s going well, some days it doesn’t
some days I am 50 shades of fucked up, mentally
as lots of triggers from my past come seeping through
or I get in my head with self sabotaging thoughts
so I’m just taking life one day + orgasm at a time
just because we leave the toxic relationships behind doesn’t mean the toxic leaves us
we have to personally clear that shit & reprogram old patterns
by doing new things, different things whenever want new and different outcomes
it takes time, it takes practice, it takes massive patience
and for me it takes a loving, long distance partner
to make me realize i did all the healing I could possibly do on my own
and now i need him and our experiences together to trigger me,
so that we can heal and rise in love together
because it’s 2021 sis
we’re no longer falling in love
we're rising in love
