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The Last Chapter

Most of you don’t know the whole story, you haven’t seen the entire picture (Part I)

On the gram, especially things get cut, filtered, and edited for your viewing pleasure

It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized after sharing the cause of my divorce on my story that SO MANY of you had no clue my ex husband had an affair

A lot of you reached out saying you didn’t know, or that you were in the middle of something similar, and even that you were intimidated by the woman I used to be but you loved this woman you see now, so clearly

I was so touched by all your messages but they were more of a wake up call for me

Just when I think I can’t be any more vulnerable with you all the universe slaps a big bow on what would have been my 10 year anniversary + 8 year wedding anniversary with my ex husband as all our memories keep showing up in my feed

Though we have been separated for over 2 years, this is the first year this dates come + we have legally been divorced

It feels different, it sits different

It feels final

It feels foreign

To look at those pics of us, of me

I don’t even recognize her anymore but I resonate with her pain (coming in next post)

The love him and I share for our daughter far outweighs anything

But right now, in this moment I’m being reminded of the pain, the hurt, and the sorrow that both of our families felt while they grieved the death of our marriage in 2017

I finally feel healed, enough, for now, to share the last chapter with all of you, to show the whole picture, and tell MY story

This isn’t to invoke shame, hate, or harm to him. Or to bring pitty to me, but awareness to you

To the woman (or man) going through something similar, to resonate, to show there is light at the end of the tunnel

You may only see glimpses of the picture now, but as you y’all about it, as you heal through it everything will come into focus and you can see the whole picture of where your lives heading & why these moments were all catalyst to your new life, your new self

Or to those of you who can’t relate at all, and have judged books by their covers and tried imaging you in their shoes when you can’t even see the shoes their wearing

The more we talk about thing the less alone humanity feels. The more we can al relate, connect, heal & raise the vibration of our entire human race

The last chapter (Part II)

That girl on the left, was in the middle of opening a salon, in the middle of saving a marriage, in the middle of missing her 1 & half year old daughter back home while her cheating husband and her whisked away to Savanah for a weekend, to celebrate their wedding anniversary

But to celebrate what?

3 good years & 2 painful ones?

It was in the fall of 2015 that my husband came home from work crying one night

I knew

The woman inside me had an inner knowing for days

All I said was “who is she”

He collapsed

We spent that entire evening in our bedroom while our daughter lay in her crib across the hall sleeping, crying in each others arms.

Mostly him crying while I held him, repeating “it will be okay, we will get through this”

You never know how you are going to react to something until it happens to you. I always saw myself as a “strong woman” who would cut a man’s parts off, burn his clothes on the lawn, and walk out on him the next morning if he cheated on me

Looking back, I now see what I did WAS strong

To stay, to pray, to hope he’d change

Fast forward an entire year later, our marriage was better than it had ever been (so I thought) and we had come so far (so I thought)

I was opening my first salon, I was training girls, and we had all been together for a makeup class

On the way home I was informed by a friend to check my husbands emails, my heart sank instantly into my stomach, breaking into a million pieces

I knew

It was happening again, or still, I wasn't naive, it had never really ended

It took me another 6 months, a salon grand opening, and our daughter turning 2 for me to gain enough courage to leave him

I didn’t know if I would ever be happy again, but I knew I couldn’t stay miserable forever

I’d be lying if the story ended there tho

We went back and forth multiple times most of 2017 +

2018 with the thought of rekindling the ashes that burned my broken heart

Each time we failed, more miserably than the times before

One of us was more committed or willing than the other each time,

at different times & our love story never got another chance

Our friendship however, did

I told him once “if our relationship is over, so are our problems”

We both clung to that and allowed ourselves to build a friendship again

& make it the base our daughters foundation that her life would be built on

I’d also be lying if I told you parts of me still didn’t love him, long for him

But I love and long for ME more

I now know and see the relationship for what it was to me, a life gaining lesson

We both created Hadley out of love

We both will raise Hadley out of love

But we also, both deserve to be loved

And the parts that he needed from me, and the parts I needed from him longer exist

We’ve been set F R E E

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