As I sit here on my bed at 5:33 pm Saturday Evening,
I am about to embark on a full 24 hours of silence.
I'm talking, no TV, no music, no speaking to others, no social media, no phone usage period. Just me. Alone. (Oh and my cat) for 24 Hours of solitude that I am calling the
Silent Saga 2019
I wanted to document this process as I have no idea why I am truly doing this other than I felt very compelled to disconnect. I have no clue what will come of this, if anything other that rest.
But currently, I am feeling at peace.
Slightly stressed financially, and romantically frustrated as I feel I am ready for love but every signal the universe keeps sending me says " No, bitch. You're not, nice try."
This week I have had this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Which is rare, as I usually don't experience it very often any more. However when I do, it has everything to do with money. This was an extremely slow week at work, and as someone in the beauty industry when I am slow, so is the rising in my bank account.
Money feels like security to me.
Mostly because I have never had an abundant amount of It.
But growing up I always believed those who had money, had power,
and you needed power to make a difference in this world.
I feel like thats still relevant but my definition of power has changed
and it no longer is connected to money entirely.
I believe that our power resides within us, not our wallets.
I believe that our wallets allow us to touch more beings in this life,
but that they don't make or break our experiences in this life.
I have also been confronting situations about that romance frustration I mentioned above. April is just an energetic force for me. It's not only the month my Gran was born, but its also the month two years ago I decided to leave my husband. And now, here it is April again, and this is the month we finally got our shit together and will be filing for divorce. Closing the door on our chapter as lovers and continuing a new one as Hadley's parents (our 4 year old daughter).
There's even a man I feel with my entire soul I am destined to be with, but the stars have yet to align and as I know better, I feel like time is running out and I kept trying to control the outcomes. This 24 hours of silence, I hope allows me to fully surrender to the idea of having to have it all figured out and that if it isn't HIM it will be someone better.
So, as the clock strikes 6 and all I can hear are the cars passing on the freeway behind my apartment, I leave you with this
"Silence is essential.
We need silence just as much as we need air,
Just as much as plants need light.
If our minds are crowded with words and thoughts, there is no space for us."
"Silence is not absence but presence"
First things first, silence is actually rather loud.
This weekend made me realize all the daily things I take for granted.
I live downtown near the city and am directly beside a train track and freeway exit ramp.
The first things I noticed in the silence were the cars passing, the birds chirping, the trains coming in the distance. I could hear the water flowing through the pipes of my apartment complex. I heard every move my cat made and every word he spoke.
I heard my own breathing, the way my pen sounded pressed against paper as I documented and journaled everything. I loved the way my books sounded as I turned each page.
This whole experience really just put my entire life on pause.
It was a much needed time out.
I did things like read, write, pull oracle and tarot cards.
I charged my crystals. I cleaned. I meditated. I stretched.
I colored, I painted a dresser, and spent time at a park.
I game planned my businesses. I masterbated and slept.
Falling asleep was the hardest part.
It took quite a lot of will power to no turn the TV on or to scroll through social media.
It was definitely an eye opener on how much I depend on these two devices. So one thing Im going to start doing is eliminate electronics one night a week, for now. Hopefully I can increase it over time. Baby steps bitches haha.
Towards the end of the day I ran some errands and it was really eye opening
how many things that have been created in todays society where we don't need to speak, but just listen.
For my dresser project I had to run to target to get new hardware and I didn't speak to a soul. Even at checkout I stood there waiting for the next self checkout lane to open waiting, listening for the employees to say " the third one is open" as I smiled and nodded in response as my thank you.
It wasn't planned but I basically fasted the entire day as well, only having liquids.
So mid afternoon I needed a pick me up.
From my Starbucks app I ordered ahead.
Durning the 5-7 minutes the app said it would take to prepare I sat in the parking lot reading with my windows down.
It was like I was in slow motion and everyone was moving at normal pace around me.
Everyone was on auto pilot. Walking and talking so fast. Looking down at their phones. Not looking or interacting much with one another. It was so eye opening how many moments I am missing by being to 'connected' to technology and the people inside of it that I am missing mother natures masterpieces.
I went for a drive after I got my coffee, and kept the windows down, radio off.
I could hear the wind, or cars passing. Bass from other cars blaring their music the way I usually do.
At a stop light I not only heard a biker ride by, but I felt his presence.
There was even a moment where I sat down to write out messages to my closest friends and as I began writing them, for some I had these 'downloads' as my mom and I call them, of information that was not mine. It was from God, The Universe (whatever you feel comfortable calling it) and it was as if I was to relay those messages to them.
Have you ever had those moments?
Where a thought enters your mind like "CALL ____" and you are like
well fuck me, and pick up the phone to call (or text let's be honest) that person just to find out that they are in the middle of a shit show and needed you at that exact moment??
Things like this happen to me often, but rarely do I get a paragraph to relay to someone. It was like an outer body experience and they all resonated with the messages so well.
I know it was because I got still.
I was open enough to receive it and not blocked by distractions.
At the end I even did a shower meditation.
I don't have a bath at my apartment so I always have to improvise, and I have done this a couple times prior but nothing as magical as this time.
I lit all my chakra candles and let the steaming hot water beat down on me.
It was pitch black except for the glow from the wicks.
I grabbed one candle at a time, and stared at the reflection of it on the wall.
I spoke out loud saying a prayer over each chakra. Asking for The Universe to open it,
release any blocks in it, and to heal it. Once each chakra had been purified I then prayed that all of the toxic and negative energy flowing within me be brought to the surface of my skin. I then stepped back under the cleansing water and envisioned all of that negative energy flowing down, off of me on the the floor, down into the drain.
My body began to tingle.
It felt weightless.
I knew in that moment I was renewed.
I was renewed because I choose to be renewed.
I started this entire process by pulling cards and
I ended the process by pulling cards.
My cards were all telling me that adjustments were required. That I am a vessel, that has been filling up the last weeks and it was time to let go of any negativity and re evaluate my situations. My commitment was being tested. This would be a time of faith, healing, enlightenment and success. I needed to acknowledge & know I am not only a physical being but a spiritual entity. (I shit you not Im re writing what I wrote in my journal from each card)
My cards drastically changed. They now were telling me I have nothing to worry about. I have adjusted my expectations and I now trust in my highest good. Something better is around the corner. It's time to surrender. I am on the right track. There may still be a while to go but my course is correct, so go slow. You are doing what you love the most. All of your work is about to pay off. A new male is coming into your life. (insert shocked GIF here. I can't even make this shit up. my last card legit said that a new male would be entering my life, OKKURRR)
All these magical moments and that's not even all. My anxiety is gone, money is now constantly flowing into my account, I am at peace with waiting on love, as I still have more things to create before I am even ready (according to my cards I better hurry the fuck up haha)
There are some moments I am going to keep private, as that's my divine right.
I will however leave you will a few thoughts that my quiet mind created over this 24 hour saga of silence...
"Blocks are just thoughts taking form in fear"
"Your worth is your choice"
"Give yourself permission to forget"
All photos by @TheCoterieColumbus