(Me, yes me. I am a natural blonde. Back in 2017 when I announced I was leaving my hubs)
Yup. I'm still fucking married. 20 months later.
Everyone is so surprised when I bring up my ex in person and they
realize we are in fact still legally married. It always makes me see that I have
done a piss poor job painting my picture of reality.
So yes, I am married.
No, we are not together.\
We have tried more times than I will even admit in this blog to fix it, fix us, to mend our family back together, these last couple years since I left him in May of 2017.
Every time feels different, however every outcome is the same.
No matter what changes, what remains the same is that we are not good for one another anymore. Our love has seen its life span. We are better as friends. As parents.
I never saw this life for me, I never saw being divorced, or a single mother.
But I don't know why I am so shocked. My mother was exactly those two things.
And for a brief moment in time, so was her's.
These patterns weren't created with me, they were repeated with me.
We all fell for the same type of man, like it was carved in our DNA.
Each woman before me did her best to help the next realize theres something different planned, something worth fighting for, not settling. Something more.
I just happened to be the woman "woke" enough in this long line of generations to start the changes earlier than the last, and to focus on healing whats deep inside me so that my daughter, Hadley, who is almost 4- that she is the prize, and that she's worth it, and to fall in love with a man, not his potential.
I've spent the last decade wishing I had a love that understood me, catered to me, read my mind. Ya know, basically witchcraft. hahaha
It wasn't until recently that I realized loves like that only exist when communication does. And my marriage consisted of very little communication. Legit. Just the basics.
There weren't lots of deep meaningful conversations.
In fact, looking back, one of the turning points for me that I saw my marriage in a different light was when we were binging 13 Reasons Why. When the first season came out. It was so good and we obviously couldn't stop watching + talking about it like the rest of the world. But I was severely triggered. If you have read my past blogs or been following me for a while you know my personal struggle with depression and suicide .
But it was in that moment, binging that show, that I realized I had never told my husband about my struggles, or what the scars on my wrists were from. We had been married 5 years at this point, and together for 7. "How did I never tell him that?" is what I kept asking myself. But the real question should have been "why did I never feel comfortable enough to tell him that until now?"
I have learned a million and one things about relationships, the ones I will allow, and the ones I deserve. But what I have learned most these past couple, is what I did wrong in my last ones. Where I put my walls up. Where I shut down, or shut off. Where I could have communicated better, where I should have tried harder.
I can always- could have, should have, would have until I'm blue in the face (which is quite possible as I just washed blue hair colorout a few hours ago) but when it comes down to it, I didn't. He didn't. We didn't. And as many times as we have tried to save this marriage, we don't.
So when you are in a similar situation, where you find yourself going back to the same love, ask yourself these questions:
+ Do I love them, or their potential ?
+ Are they good for me or am I good for them?
+ Do we communicate enough to move forward?
+ Is settling better than feeling safe?
+ What fears are you running from instead of facing?
+ If you have done things differently, why are the outcomes the same?
+ Are these past generational patterns repeating themselves?
My husband isn't the only man I've done this with.
In fact every serious boyfriend before him took me years to get over, and it took multiple "take backs" of each other, for me to get clear enough to stay woke.
Every woman been there. Most of us will be there again.
Learning from each relationship is the lesson.
Not repeating it in the next relationship is the test.
So babe, take as much time as you need.
Give yourself as many do overs as you want.
But when you are ready, because you will be ready...
Walk the fuck away knowing in the depths of your soul that you did your damn best.
You gave it your all, but your all deserves more.
2019, is the year we will finally file.
2019 , is the year we will finally be divorced.
As much pain and hurt as he as caused me, I still wish him well.
And in true Ariana Grande fashion: Thank u, next!
Remember thoughts become things.
So choose wisely, Molls.