I started this on New Years Day. Here we are 27 days in, and I am still struggling to find the words. The words that haven't already been expressed on my Instagram and seen in my stories. The words that will impact someone and spark something in someone else. So I hope that happens, but this blogs for me. This was me getting all of 2018 out and leaving it in 2018. Identifying what I need to work on more in 2019 & what paving that path is going to look like for me...
2018 was the year of ashes for me.
Because 2017 was the year I burned everything to the ground.
I mean fucking everything. I should have invested in kerosine.
2017 was the year I left my husband, left a salon I opened, left friends I thought were forever friends. This made the start of 2018 one of the lowest points of my life. Suicide was even contemplated for a brief moment. (Click here to read that blog)
Looking back 2018 was that year where subtle changes were made in small dozes. So as I was going through it I never felt different, or like anything was changing, and here I am a sitting in bed on New Years Day of 2019 and E V E R Y T H I N G is fucking different.
2018 was the year it ALL changed.
I made the conscious decision to give zero fucks what others thought of me, to know my worth and to set boundaries. Not for anyone else but myself. I learned to say no, and actually mean it. I taught myself how to be alone, like truly alone. I rebuilt a brand and started a new empire. I surrounded my self with women who get me, and only add to the value of my life. I traveled more in the last year than I have my whole life. I invested over thousands and thousands of dollars in myself. I made more than I made behind the chair from the year before. This being a victory in itself, as 2017 was the first year I hit a gross target for myself that I set at the start of my career, 10 years ago. And with 2018 beginning smothered in rock bottom ashes, I thought I wouldn't see half that amount for another few years, but instead I surpassed it.
My faith has been tested more than I care to admit. It's still being tested.
But I've become grounded, and found beliefs and rituals that work for me and my soul
I learned more about myself, my needs, and the type of love and lover I deserve.
This has been the biggest lesson for me.
The one I keep fucking up year after year, man after man.
I am probably the most hopeless romantic person you will ever meet.
I'm 30 years old still waiting on my own meet cute' straight from Hollywood.
I always used to think this belief was a day dream and an unrealistic expectation.
(I mean, I agree the music queuing, a flash mob starting at target, or perfectly bumping into the most handsomely dressed man at Starbucks sounds great... however I will take what I can get haha)
But after all the loves of my lives (yes lives. I swear my souls died a hundred times)
I now know that loves that like do exist.
In everyday form. With issues, and struggles but laced with magic and purpose.
I'm really good at manifesting shit in my life.
Shit besides love. At least the love my soul deserves.
I'm also really good about teaching and preaching about self love/care.
And I'm also really good about neglecting myself when to comes to it.
I believe that we can't truly be loved until we love ourself.
I also believe that aside from loving ourself, we need to heal ourself.
Heal ourself from past traumas.
Traumas that may have been created by us or before us.
I'm in a place now that my old self would describe as depression.
But this new me, see's it as healing.
I might not want to go out anymore every weekend I don't have my daughter, in fact I spent this entire one in bed if I wasn't working.
I might cancel a date because I am not mentally available, it probably has nothing to do with the man. Unless you are sending unsolicited dick pics or trying to get into my pants before you have even seen them, then it's definitely you bro.
I might take forever, or never to respond to a text message you sent me that I read with every intention of responding to but got distracted and didn't have the energy or focus to go back and do so.
I might spend nights journaling until I cry myself to sleep.
I might go days without posting on social media, and check out from friendships momentarily.
But it's got nothing to do with y'all and everything to do with healing me.
I'm broken AF.
And when this new year began, I vowed to change.
To not make the same mistakes, to break bad habits and replace them with good ones. To put myself first, and to be the best mother, friend, business owner, and someday lover I can be.
So when things fuck up for you, ask yourself this:
"Did you ever think maybe you were doing the best you possibly can?"
More often than not we aren't the versions that our future selfs need to be in order to recieve the things we are currently, wishing, hoping and manifesting. We are all just doing the best at the current version of us.
So cheers to 2019 being the year we all stop comparing our selfs to others and start comparing ourselves to the versions of us we were yesterday.
You got this boo, and I do too!
& remember, thoughts become things so choose wisely.
All photos by Marcy Harris Ortiz
xoxo Gossip Girl
(I've always wanted to fucking do that)
I mean- Molls.