How to eliminate the F*%K boy race
(All photos by Marcy Harris Ortiz)
Let's talk about dating. Let's talk about fuck boys.
Let's talk about how degrading dating is today.
Let's talk about how we as women think there are no good men out there...
Before we dive into that, let's talk about a secret I've been keeping from you.
Since about New Years, my husband (yes thats correct were not technically divorced yet) actually began dating again. We had a second first date and were talking, and spending a lot of time together again. We thought there was something still there, which there is. There is a love and bond that will never be broken between us, between our little family. We thought we could make it work. We thought wrong.
Recently we decided to officially part ways and to do it like we have been doing all along, with a shit ton of class. Our daughter is and always will be our main purpose. However as time elapsed our other life purposes seemed to be changing and evolving and pushing us further and further away from one another.
It took me a lot of do overs, a lot of tears, and a a lot of reoccurring outcomes for my pretty little head to finally see reality for what it was. And that was, Molly + Levi are over.That pill got harder and harder to swallow the more times I tried to take it.
It wasn't until this mental shift happened for me that I realized how to eliminate the fuck boy race completely. Now now now, I am NOT calling Levi a fuck boy. Far from it, and quite the opposite. However, what I am getting at is I have found my worth. I have found my non negotiables in a relationship and I have found what fuck boys try to avoid, and that is S T A N D A R D S.
Going through this separation, last summer I just left. I moved out and began life as a single mother without working through all the bull shit my ex put me through and all the baggage I had brought into our marriage. It was a clean break.
Psh. False. Nothing in life breaks clean. I hadn't been able to really accept what happened with my husband until I grew through other experiences without him.
Last summer was my shit show summer. Many of you know its one of my biggest regrets, yet one of my most beloved lessons. I don't even resemble that girl last summer. However that girl did some dating, and dealt with plenty of fuck boys.
Pause.
What is a fuck boy?
Let me have urban dictionary explain this for you:
'Asshole boy who is strictly into sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologize only to ask for "pics" once the girl has welcomes him back into her trust. Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl but always fail to prove the supposed affection. He almost never makes plans because he has to hangout on his terms which could be the most whimsical of times, and if the girl rejects those plans because she has a legit reason, he will get pissed. However if plans are made he will occasionally bail on them without a second thought. If a girl tried to stand up to this asshole he will most likely deny everything and turn it all around on the girl making it seem as though the conflict at stake is her fault and he has done nothing wrong and hates when girls bitch at hime for "no reason". He will always come crawling back because he is a horny prick and can not withstand the dispossession of one of his base, because he has more than one that's for sure. Texting such boy will consist of the girl carrying the conversation and the guy responding with short answers 10 or more minutes after the girls response, but the she asks why he takes so long to answer it will be because he is "busy" but he promises to like her. Boys like this are egotistical assholes who can NOT be trusted and are hard to get rid of because they say all the right things at all the right times to get the girl back, every single fucking time."
Now, lets all take a moment of silence for that one (or three) fuck boys we were all thinking about while reading through that definition
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now, after you read this, text that fuck boy this definition and block his number, and by block I don't mean send it to your friend before you delete it so that you can have it back in a very drunken state when you are weak enough to break.
Since we are clear on what a fuck boy is, lets get real clear on how to get rid of them.
It is going to sound simple. And it is. We as women complicate it, reading into bullshit thinking its 'The Notebook'.. but ladies, what you allow is what will continue. I repeat:
WHAT WE ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE
We let them stand us up.
So they do.
We let them talk down to us.
So they do.
We let them only see us on their terms.
So they do.
We let them get away with shit.
So they do.
See the pattern here?
We have the power to say no.
We have the power to raise the bar.
We have the power to create standards.
We have the power and yet we give it away so freely.
And for what? To have some hot (hopefully) guy texting
you late a night talking in frat boy lingo ...
WYA? (Where ya at)
WYD? (What ya doing)
Not 'Good Morning Beautiful' or novels of texts confessing their undying love for us!
Chivalry isn't dead, the woman worth is!
Like YOU are worthy of BIG love woman. You are worthy of a man that sends you good morning beautiful texts and speaks in more than emjoi's. You are worthy of the love in the movies. However you have to believe it first. No man is going to give a damn about you if he can feel your energy and see the lack of confidence in you.
We have to stand together as women, and lift one another up instead of playing the comparison game on IG and/or being friends with fake ass bitches who call themselves friends but talk about you as soon as you walk out of the break room. Evaluate your circle.
If you are out with your girls and you all have similar fuck boy stories then you are hanging with the wrong crew. Find yourself women in strong relationships, with men that adore them and love them for who they are. Find women who love and accept themselves.
Lastly you need to make a list. Get quiet, still, and really think. You need to come up with 4-5 things that are NON negotiable. Things that YOU personally need in a relationship for it to survive and thrive. (Thanks Garrett J White for making me do this).
I had actually never done it. I mean we all have a list of traits we want or look for in someone, but what about qualities that are necessities to make it together? Once you get clear on what those items are, then you have a full proof system when dating and eliminating potential (or current, maybe its time to do some spring cleaning in your love life) fuck boys from your world.
It wasn't until I realized what mine were, that I accepted my ex and I were never going to work. I wasn't right, he wasn't wrong, we just wanted different things. And thats ok. But now, as I enter back into the dating world soon I know what I want, what I won't tolerate and these fuck boys are going to be dropping like flies and eventually go extinct when all of us women start leveling up and rising to the standards we set for ourselves.
So as I begin to enter yet another summer single, I am wiser, stronger, and I'm not taking any mans shit and I'll give no fucks (literally).