Her Metanoia Matters
First of all, what the hell is metanoia?
(n.) the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, + way of life.
Secondly, no I don't just scroll on Webster's website looking for M words.
They find me. It's called manifesting.
But, metanoia, that pretty much sums it up. See ya.
Alright, alright. Clearly I am kidding.
However it does, perfectly. Over the last year I have been doing just that.
This journey didn't just start last year. It slowly began for me the day Hadley was born.
Subconsciously I think it evoked or awakened a feeling, this vibration, this THING in
me that had gone dormant.
As the years passed I started to see myself differently. I didn't love the woman I was
becoming. I was starting to see my marriage for what it WAS and not what I portrayed
it to be. I was becoming everything I said I hated. I was surrounding myself with
people who I had spent most of my life trying to get away from. I didn't see it fully
then, but looking back hinds sight is always 20/20. Now I am able to recognize my part
in the whole situation, and I have spent the last few months specifically healing,
apologizing and reaching out to those who I hurt along the way of my destructive path
I know I speak for a lot of moms when I say this, possibly even wives... but I feel like I
had lost myself. I lost the "who" I always thought I was destined to be along the way
of living. In my industry I talk to women daily. I hear these things constantly. As
women, as mothers, as someones wife we tend to put ourself second. We are natural
care takers and kick into auto pilot mode and begin taking care of everyone and
neglecting ourselves. In reality we need to be first. Think of the cup analogy. When
the cup is full, you are full. What is overflowing out of the cup is what you have to
offer. If there is nothing pouring out, you have nothing to give. You have to fuel
yourself first.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I learn every lesson in life the hard way. This alone
used to piss me off. I always wondered why I always got caught, why me, poor me.
Totally playing up that victim card. But now in 2018, the year I will turn 30 I have seen
that I have had to learn every lesson the hard way because God is using me as a vessel
to teach. I used to be an educator for Paul Mitchell Schools, and even considered
doing it for a high end chain salon I worked at for a short time in Hillard before. I
thought that it was my calling. It was so rewarding and fulfilling. However it got to a
point where I was longing for more, craving more. A mentor of mine once said when
you feel comfortable, bored, or like you are treading on still water its time for a change
and you need to step out of your comfort zone, because its time to move on. But I
loved teaching, I just didn't realize I was being called to teach differently. Not so
literal.
Looking back, I now can see I am doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing, for now.
I am meant to be blogging. I am meant to be doing LIVES. I am meant to be meeting
new women and talking to them daily in my chair. I am meant to be traveling to Cali to
network and expand my brand with extensions. I am meant to be mentoring and
training an apprentice. And every lesson I have learned has lead me to this moment.
To this life, this current lifestyle. Teaching is in my veins.
When I was fresh out of high school, as some of you know I went to Hocking College
for a brief moment, for Holistic Health. I had all intensions of using that degree to
become a wellness + life coach. I knew it then, had lost my vision, got sidetracked and
redirected to what I'm doing now. Coaching, in some capacity. (You guys just wait)
I have women constantly messaging me such meaningful, heartfelt thank you. Thank
you's for such sharing my journey and so much of myself publicly. This is why I know I
was born to learn lessons the hard way. So that I could teach them humbly.
So what has my metanoia been? Whats Changed? Whats Changing?
MIND
I changed my mind. I decided that I was going to enjoy life not just endure it. I decided
that I wanted to strive for more and stop settling. I deiced to stop living small. In my
mind I knew I was destined for big shit. I have always believed in the power of positive
thinking. Affirmations, the law of attraction, and manifestation were principles I was
raised on. But you know how when your mom tells you something it takes about a 100
times of hearing it, or someone else saying it once for it to stick? Yup, guilty. Lifes
about learning (we have established that), growing and changing. Now more than ever
one of the principles I believe to my core is "You can't live a positive life with a
negative mind."
HEART
My heart. My shattered, broken, stomped on heart. I have no fingers to point. No one
to blame for any of the heart breaks I have recently experienced other than myself.
Life isn't about what happens to us, it's about how we react to the things that happen
to us. My heart has drastically changed. I jokingly told my mom I went through 3
divorces last year. All jokes aside, I wasn't kidding. I did.
Marriage Divorce
Friendship Divorce
Business Divorce
I let each of those cut some really deep wounds. I handled each of them so differently.
They happened in that exact ordered and as each one passed, I grew and took
something from them all helping me move forward and handle the next one with
more grace. My marriage is still in the process of dissolving, and I am very much STILL
in the process of dealing + healing. However when I first left my husband for reason I
have not explained until now (wait for it ) and started processing I was a hott mess. So
sloppy. I had every right to be. My husband had an affair. I'm not telling you this to
gain sympathy, or your sorrows. This is now apart of me. It's now my backstory.
However I hid from my emotions 6 months out of the year and when I didn't have
Hadley I barried myself with empty souls, shots of tequila and one night stands.
All things I am not proud of, but all things I have accepted. I lost my way and pushed God away. Things I have also accepted. It was my journey. My hard lesson. Leading me tomy next divorce with a dear dear friend. No need to name names.
That's not my story to tell, it's hers. This divorce almost hurt more than
the one with my husband. You never expect for a best friend to walk out of your life.
I still am unclear on the reasoning, and I still have nights where I lay awake,
racking my brain. Trying to come up with some kind of answer. Not being naive,
knowing I had a part in it, whatever IT was and trying to learn whatever lesson God
has disguised this event in my life to be. It is hard. I'm sure it will still be hard at times.
However it has shown me qualities I possessed that I wasn't fond of. It
has also shown me that I have a solid support group that always been there for me
that I was neglecting. It was probably one of the best things that could have happened
However, dealing with this situation and these emotions truly tested my
faith and my patience. However due to my first divorce and how I handled it, I was
able to be a little stronger, and had more self control when it came to the pain. I
wasn't trying to become numb to it, or hide it, or ignore it. I felt that shit and I felt it
hard. I leaned on my support system and it strengthened my connection with God.
Making my last divorce THE hardest, deepest wound of them all as my first 2 were
connected to it.
My business. I have been very open about this one to date. My business is
something I am always passionate about, something I am always striving to succeed
in. It was not a decision that was made lightly but it was a decision that had been
weighing on my heart, rather I realized it or not, since July last year. I am a very driven
and ambitious person by nature but mostly when it comes to my career.
As an entrepreneur since 2010, I'm always looking for ways to improve and looking
forward and onward to the next, best, bigger thing. I even recall the night before
Beauty & The Blondes grand opening, I sat in the living room with my parents and
said. "What's next?" I will never forget the look on my mothers face. She was like
"What the hell do you mean, you just opened a salon in your 20's." and I remember
thinking, this isn't IT, I'm not done. Like I have stated before the cause for BATB
dissolving, me leaving and them rebranding + renaming comes down to nothing more
than the difference in visions. I think we were all holding each other back from our full
potential. Neither party is right or wrong, were just on different pages and it was time
for me to close that chapter. But holy shit, easier said than done. If you have been
following me for some time then you know, you were there you saw it all get built
from the ground up. By my husband, my amazing father in law, family and friends.
The start of the salon was the end of my marriage. That building held a lot of
memories for me. Some beautiful, some painful. Looking back the me that was in that
building for the whole year, was my least liked version of my self I've ever known. But
it saved me. It gave me a purpose. It gave me a platform. It gave me experience and a
staring point. And as this year began, I was so relieved to move on. I learned that
hearts change, and thats ok.
SELF
I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. I am learning that I need to be
constantly growing and evolving. I came to a personal crossroads in life last year
where I needed to make a choice. I had to stop saying yes to everyone else so I could
start saying yes to myself. When I mentioned earlier I had lost myself, let me paint you
a picture...
It's 2009 and I am thinking of graduating hair school. I had visited Chicago and fell in
love. I began researching. Salons, brands, places, and apartments. I was going to move
there. My boyfriend I was with at the time even knew when I was done with school, I
was gone. Whatever that meant for us. I didn't care. Fast forward 6 months to when I
met my husband, all that changed. Now I am not saying I would have rather moved to
Chicago than married Levi. I'm sure if I voiced my desires he would have moved. He
loved Chicago to. But I didn't. In that moment is when I began putting myself second
and becoming a care taker. I didn't feel like my goals, dreams or desires were worthy
anymore with him in the picture. Those were my own issues. So those big city dreams
were traded in for small town suburb ways. I am a big believer that everything
happens for a reason. Cliche as it may sound I do. I would do it all over again, and
choose it to unfold the way it has; if it's what made me who I am today, and gave me
the daughter I'm blessed with now.
But it's never to late. You are never too young to start an empire and you are never
too old to chase a dream. That's exactly what I intend to do. Chase my big city dreams,
and build an empowering empire. You just wait and see.
On a more personal level I feel so settled. I finally feel like I know my worth and I am
going to stick up for it. I am done letting people walk all over me, use me, and abuse
me. But I am also done letting myself walk all over myself, use myself and make
excuses or abuses myself with my self talk.
WAY OF LIFE
Change is the common denominator here people. I wanted something new. I needed
something new. I was ready for change, I accepted and embraced change. I knew if I
wanted to go places I had never been I needed to do things I had never done. Which
lead me to major changes all happening at once. I got an opportunity that many don't
get in life. I got to push a reset button. One being, moving in with my parents and
leaving my bomb ass little babe cave, to save money for my future, to pay off all
my debt. I also traveled to California for some education, which is so important in my
industry. This step lead me to shift my mindset and send me on a whole new journey. I
choose to move my business downtown to the Short North. I'm back home, in a loft.
#13 to be exact (which was the same number as my first loft before opening BATB, talk
about a reset button). I'm so excited to be downtown and the new lifestyle it's already
brought me. It is allowing me to come into my own, feel like I belong. I have even
changed my eating habits. I gave up meat. 3 months ago actually, but now it's apart of
me (don't watch 'What The Health' on Netflix if you love your chick-fil-a). But it's who I
am now. It's given me more energy. Something new to focus on as I find recipes I like,
and things I can actually eat. As the year progress I plan to take it to the next level and
attempt to become completely vegan. I know I know, cheese. Trust me , theres a
reason I haven't given it all up already. One word actually, queso. Hahaha
This slight change in my eating habits, has proven to me that it only takes 30 days to
create a habit. My intensions for the new year were to implement a new morning,
to cultivate my own energy instead of looking to coffee or others to give me the fuel I
need to start my day. I wanna wake up, light my ass on fire, so that I show up to
conquer. I have began meditating more regularly. Spending more time reading and
journaling. I've been listening to more and more positive podcast instead of the trashy
reality ones I originally was listening to. I even am trying to move my body for at least
20 minutes each morning. Thank god for technology and my iPhone, because I am
able to do all of it through it (yeah, theres an app for that)
Moral of the story guys, your are under no obligation
to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.
So don't let society put you in a box. Don't let others make you feel like you can't, or
you shouldn't. But most importantly don't settle for anything less than what you
deserve. Don't believe everything you think, and don't trust everyone you meet. Get
out of your shell, do things you didn't think you were capable of doing, and become
the person you are destined to become!
