Dont. Just don't.
I'm kidding, kinda.
This was actually a hard lesson for me to learn this summer. I'm not even sure I've fully learned my lesson.
Going from someones wife, to separated and "single" rocked my world.
I met my husband on a dating website, POF to be exact 8 years ago. So stepping back on the scene I thought online dating was a sure thing. It worked once, it could work again. Wrong. Shit was I wrong.
I tried tender (gross) and bumble (has potential, I mean doesn't anything when women are in control..) I even gave the good ole' match a shot. I thought for sure if someone had to pay for a profile they would take it more seriously. All any of them were taking serious was finding a side piece, a girl to send them nudes, a secret life, or to catfish; hook line and sinker.
As a mother of a toddler, an owner of a business and someone who always has about 100 projects going at once.. I didn't have time to go out and meet people. I've never been a fan of the "we met at a bar" stories. Although I may have been a frequent flyer this summer, bars have never been my scene. I'm usually not one for blind dates or being set up. It's never ended well for me in the past and there's usually so much pressure applied. Although currently there are some candidates whose applications I am mulling over haha.
However this summer I turned to online dating.
(Insert the famous Lauren Conrad eye roll)
What. A. Joke.
A really bad joke.
They say life is about learning lessons. I learned more this summer from dating than I have in the last year. I truly don't know how people do it, date that is. It's like trying to find a needle in a hair stack (as my friend said the other day as she was sewing in my extensions haha) Wanna know how we found it? It literally stabbed her in the shoulder. Yup. That pretty much sums up dating in this day and age.
And can we talk about ghosting? No I'm not talking about some paranormal activity, its almost halloween kinda thing. I'm talking about the new dating trend that men seem to know all to well. If you aren't familiar, let me save you the urban dictionary trip. It's when someone leaves your text open and on "read" forever. Gone. Poof. Never to be heard from again. If, and I'm talking a big IF here.. you do happen to hear from them again it's nothing substantial. 10/10 times they quickly add them self to the F*%k Boy pile. Actions speak louder than words. So let me tell you some ghost stories:
This summer I have encountered a few men. One man was shady and secretive about his where a-bouts. He ended up being in another state, after standing me up multiple dates. Come to find out he wasn't over an ex and was "confused". Well don't confuse this boy...I'm a damn catch and you clearly need a new baseball glove. #maseratighost
There was another who actually swept me off my feet over a long weekend. The phrase "love at first sight" was uttered by both parties. I've never had something so fake feel so real. He turned out to be from another state and was only in town for a job. He also had a girl back home, whom he had been dating for almost 4 years. However when he was away, he would "play pretend" and make false dating profiles on POF for the "catch of the day". Well he caught himself in the middle of Moll's crossfire when I told his girlfriend everything. I'm pretty sure he's single and working in South Carolina now. So you've been warned Carolina girls. #ghostedbyedwardcullen
One was a friend of a friend. He sought me out. Eagerly. Led me to believe he wanted to pursue things with me, come to find out he was seeing a girl from tinder. The only thing he was trying to pursue was who he was going to take home from the bar that night. #teachmehowghost
Then there are was the time where a guy seemed so real and genuine, the convo's were great. Our situations were similar. Apparently too similar. The second half of our first date he spent outside on the phone with his baby mama while I sat in the movie theater alone. #audighost
There were even multiple guys from my high school + past trying to creep their way back in only to make a fool of themselves, or to ghost me. #haunting
Thing's I can take away from this summer are:
Don't date guys with nice cars, that go faster than you are willing to.
Don't fall for someone who seems to good to be true,
they probably are not even who they say they are.
Don't date teachers. Just don't.
Leave your past in your past.
So how does one survive dating in this century?
You date yourself.
It's as simple as that.
Actually that's probably the hardest thing to do.
I am a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda B.
I love love and would literally put myself through a million heartbreaks at the hopes
of one, just one of them being my Mr. Right.
However I've learned while dating others and searching for a love my heart had lost in others, I've actually lost the love I once had for myself.
I am the biggest believer that no one will love you until you truly love yourself.
You may not agree. I'm not asking you to, but I'm right haha.
I can not recall one time where I was unhappy with myself and The Universe (God) handed me a gorgeous, sensitive, successful man on a silver platter. You will never be given more than you can handle. So if you aren't finding love, or that special someone you aren't ready for them. I'm sure as hell not.
That had to have been the hardest pill to swallow this summer.
I need to date myself. Love myself. Pamper myself.
Show myself encouragement.
Show myself self-love.
Show myself happiness.
The only place you are going to find any of these things, is from within.
How does one date themselves ?
I am actually practicing all of these myself. I'm starting a new focus where I no longer use vices (i.e. throwing 1 thing from every aisle at target into my cart, right mom?) to mask how I am feeling on the inside.
Start with some affirmations.
Each morning when you roll out of bed, look yourself in the mirror and say I love you.
It may feel strange at first, but as the days pass by you will be able to look yourself in the eye and believe it.
Writing, releasing, and getting things out on paper is sometimes the most therapeutic thing you can do. No one has to see your thoughts, the act of writing them out is all that needs to be done.
Take time for yourself.
Be alone. Be still. Try mediating, or yoga.
Give you mind time to shut off and relax.
You need it . Even if you don't want it.
"A negative mind won't lead a positive life"
Need I say more?
I find music to be such an escape. Demi Lovato's new album to be exact. It's my current obsession, and I'm currently listening to her track "Lonely"
So savage. So empowering. So inspiring. Whatever your vice, music is a great way to unwind or even express how you are truly feeling inside. There are many nights, or drives in my car where I blare a song, belt it out and just ball my eyes out.
Let it Matter.
Whatever you're going through. Whatever life throws your way, don't run from the pain. Feel through it. Let it matter and let it hurt. That's the part that allows you to heal.
Look up "Let it Matter" By JohnnySwim, let the words pierce your soul.
My last piece of dating advice though is,
Thoughts become things, so choose wisely,