"She woke up in a cold sweat, drenched from the dream her little blonde head had just been dreaming. She thought he had left her, just gone like a ghost. As if there was no indication he had ever been there to begin with. "
When I was a little girl my father should have been the man I looked up to, longed for, and whom loved me the most. He was there, depending on the day, (the actual time of day, because if it was past noon he was more than likely drunk already), and there was never much to say. But he wasn't all of those things.
My mother and him split up when I was 7 years old. I instantly took to my mother. I never wanted to go to my fathers on his weekends. I was so grateful when I was old enough to be involved in school sports giving me the ultimate excuse to stop showing up regularly.
However, before I dove head first into the unknown world of cheerleading, my father and I created many memories traveling around the state of Ohio waterskiing and even competing nationally kneeboarding in Texas + South Carolina. Looking back those are the only "good" memories my minds made of him. The rest, the rest are just green empty bottles of rolling rock, and abandonment issues.
However blame is never something I put on someone. Even back then, at a very young age I knew the reasons why my parents marriage didn't work out. I knew what caused the distance between them. It was drinking. His drinking. It's why I didn't drink until my first year of college (and you'd think I would have stopped then, seeing how the first time I ever truly drank I got arrested). It's why I married a man who drank less than I did, and I could always count the amount of alcoholic beverages I had the entire year on one hand.
I didn't blame my father, and I still don't. I can't blame anything or anyone for making me the exact woman I am today. Without the heartache, the separation, and the hardships I would not be the Molly you see, the mother I am or the business woman I want to be.
Sure life didn't go as planned. I surely didn't see myself almost 30 and single, again. I never stood at the alter, and expected my marriage to fail. I wouldn't change a day of it though. I wouldn't even erase one moment. Its all lead me here, gave me my daughter, and is getting me to where the universe (God) has intended to me to be. But my father, it all leads back to him. It always does, and it always will.
This summer I have been on a solo journey to find out "Who the hell is Molly?!". Because after almost 6 years of playing house, and almost 3 years of trying to be mother of the year, you lose yourself. You lose a part of you. On this soul searching adventure, I haven't discovered who I thought I lost. In fact I am realizing I've never really been found.
This blog. This brand. This is me. This is all of me. Filter Free.
I hid behind the status's, the boomerangs, the tweets, snaps, and filters for the last year and half of my marriage. Which is why the news of me leaving my husband may have come as a shock to most of you. But do you really know the girl you see everyday online? Do you know what she does daily? Do you know what makes her cry? What gets her by? No. You only know what she wants you to know. This never really bothered me, until my daughter came into this world.
I had quite the upbringing as far as school, girls (mean girls if you will), and bullying as a child. I can't imagine what its like today. Social media was a new concept for us in high school, and even then the "IT" thing was myspace. Where you spent more time picking your playlist, selecting your top 8, and deciding which background best described you that week and less time stalking, or shit talking your peers.
When I left Levi I decided to do it in the public eye. I wanted it to be common knowledge. I wanted to open others eyes to the idea of divorce being civil, and compassionate. I still care about him, I always will. The way I care about him will change, not the fact that I do. He is Hadley's father (and a damn good one at that). He will always be a major part of me, and I can't imagine it any other way. Everything we do, every decision we make we make for her.
But I also need to do whats best for me. The most courageous thing my mother could have done, was what she did. When she left my father. She did what was best for her, which in turn was best for me. She's always been nothing but herself. But she never had an audience watching her every move. Things were kept private and on a need to know basis. Unfortunately I know thats on its way to becoming an American pastime.
I didn't want to keep hiding, lying, and being someone I wasn't.
I may not fully know who I am, but I sure as hell know who I'm N O T .
I am not just a victim
I am not just a daughter of an alcoholic
I am not just a product go divorce
I am not just a newly single mother
I am exactly who I want to be, because I am in control of my own thoughts.
Which in turn leaves me in charge of my own destiny.
"Thoughts become things, so choose wisely"
This blog. This brand. This is me . This is all of me. Filter free.