Open Letter: To My Ex BFF

I’m not going to apologize.

That’s not the point of this letter.

This letter isn’t even for you, it’s actually for me. 

It’s to cultivate my own closure that I never got, since things ended not only awkwardly but abruptly. 

I will say thank you though..

Thank you for leaving me in the dust, during my darkest days. The darkest of days that turned into an even darker nights. 

Thank you for your lack of compassion and genuine humanity in the end. It left me bitter, betrayed, and a bitch on a rampage; briefly. 

Emphasis on brief. 

During this time of soltitue

I was able to step back in a sedentary state &

I was able to evaluate not only our friendship but life. 

How we were good for each other for all the wrong reasons at exactly the right time. 

We completed each other too much. 

We needed each other too much. 

We depended on each other too much. 

But As Tswift says - 

“Did you think I wouldn't hear all the things you said about me?” 

I know you cling to track 13 however 

It really says more about you than it does me

But I equally cling to track 14 

“My castle crumbled overnight I brought a knife to a gunfight They took the crown, but it's alright All the liars are calling me one Nobody's heard from me for months I'm doing better than I ever was All my flowers grew back as thorns Windows boarded up after the storm 

All the drama queens taking swings All the jokers dressin' up as kings And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right I did one thing right”

And that one thing was being fully myself, that version of me anyway. 

It was always more than a friendship to me. 

You were family. 

I never imagined a life without you, somedays I still can’t. 

It’s hard to believe that I haven’t seen you in over 6 months, and truly had a sincere conversation in 9

It’s hard to believe that someday my daughter won’t even remember your name. 

It’s hard to believe we were ever roommates, because I know if we ever saw each other now we would act like strangers. 

It’s hard to believe that you were one of the first to know I was pregnant, and that my ex was having an affair. Those seems like such vulnerable memories, and it’s hard to believe I was ever vulnerable with you. 

But I was. All the time. 

Because I was real. 

Because I was raw 

Because I was a hot mess. 

Because I was the definition of a best friend, 

As were you. 

What’s not hard to believe though

As I feel it to my core is how much fun we had together...

The summer I hardly remember but will never forget...

All the deep conversations we had...

How many secrets of yours I will take to my grave...

What an incredible business we built & how I hope you’re still killin’ it...

Even the Sunday’s spent at your family dinners...

My hopes for “us” failed epically. I can’t even blame you, or me. We both played our parts equally. But here are my hopes for you moving forward, as I’m sure we will never speak again: 

I hope you are truly happy with the person you see in the mirror

I hope someday (perhaps you already have) found the love you have been so patiently waiting for. 

I hope you create a career that serves you, and not you it. 

I hope you still do your devotions daily as I know how grounded they kept you. 

I hope your sisters well and that you & your mom are still close. 

I hope your health is always on the rise & that the puppy is no longer a pup. 

And I hope that you never doubt the amount of love, sincerity & compassion I had for you and our friendship. 

I’ll leave you with this quote, my dearest ex bff, as it touched my heart deeply & immediately made me think of you when I read it. 

It’s the biggest lesson I learned from “us” 

When you meet that person. 

A person. 

One of your soulmates. 

Let the connection. 

Relationship. 

Be. 

What it is. 

It may be five minutes. 

Five hours. 

Five days. 

Five weeks. 

Five months. 

Five years. 

A lifetime. 

Five lifetimes. 

Let it manifest the way it is meant to. 

It has an organic destiny. 

This was if it stays or if it leaves. 

You will be softer. 

From having been loved this authentically. Sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons. Let them be who + what they are meant to be. 

- nayyriah waheed